Natural, Irrational and VERY Important

Just venting.  Nothing too interesting.

This event leaves me with several unanswered questions.  Maybe someone else has the answers.

Do I expect too much from people?

Is my ‘friend’s’ daughter just annoyed that her mother will now be sponging off her and relying on her to take care of her rather than me?

Is my ‘friend’ now just upset, not because of what she did to me, but because she figured I would sit back and be taken advantage of rather than call her out the way I did?

Should I be ashamed of myself?

The event:

So my alleged ‘friend’ moved back from Wales in July in order to leave her ‘abusive’ husband.  She had no money, no job and nowhere to go.  Yep, you guessed it.  I let her come live with me.  You don’t have to tell me it was mistake.  I was told before I did it, but did it anyway and now, of course, I’ve learned my lesson too late.

So she comes at the beginning of July.  She needs time to sort herself out and get her emotions in check.  No problem, I don’t disagree.  It’s the summer and it’s nice to have someone to hang out with, anyway.

So for July we hang out, have a nice time, etc.  I take two of my vacation days to drive her to London to see her daughter graduate from the Ontario Police College…where I am left to sit alone for hours while she’s off visiting with people, touring the college, seeing the dorms.  But I didn’t complain.

I drive her downtown to help her get her driver’s license issues straightened out.  I take her to see my doctor so she can get her prescriptions renewed as she has no doctor here.

Then she decides that she’s going to go to PEI to visit her parents for the month of August.  Again, okay, maybe not so bad.  She hasn’t seen them for a while and she’s still trying to get herself sorted out.  I comply to her request to send a fax to the government to make a request to have a special certificate issued for her parents’ 50^th anniversary.

I drive her to some hokey airport office in August so she can arrange for her stuff to be released and then her stuff ends up taking up an entire room in my basement.

She returns at the end of August and decides that she’s going to take a one week course in the middle of September so there’s no point in starting a job search.

She takes the course and then has to do her resume.  So now we’re ready to look for a job in about mid October.

In the meantime, she has been living rent free.  I’ve been driving her to Bible study every Wednesday morning, to the library, to the job centre.  We’ve taken her to church with us every Sunday and then out to lunch after, of course paying for her because she has no money.

So this routine goes on until about mid November.  While she’s living rent free, while we’re housing her and her stuff and feeding her and driving her around, she’s going for lunch with friends, visiting her relatives, shopping with her daughter, playing solitaire and looking at Youtube on the computer every night, etc.  Essentially, not making as much of a job search effort as one would expect in her circumstances.

As it was getting near Christmas I suggested she get a part-time job at the Bay or Sears.  I received resistance to that with no good reason.

In between I recall her babysitting my kids 4 times…I have her money to take them to a movie on a PD day.  She walked them to school a couple times when I had to go into the office and she babysat one evening when my husband and I had an appointment.  I also specifically asked her to clean on 2 occasions when we had someone coming to the house for an appointment.  She did the dishes on a few occasions and did some laundry.  None of this I found to be out of line in the circumstances.

At the beginning of December she announced that she was going to PEI again.  When asked when she was coming back she said ‘When I get a job.’  I expressed my dissatisfaction with this as I do not believe the probability of getting job here when you’re actually in PEI is very high.  She didn’t want to live or work in PEI, she wanted to live and work in Toronto where her son and daughter are.  The son and daughter who weren’t housing her and her stuff or feeding her or driving her around.

So off she flew to PEI indefinitely.

In thinking about it, my husband and I decided this was wrong.  We felt that after looking after her for 5 months not only was it an affront to us for her to just take off after making only a half-assed effort at looking for a job but we felt that in paying for her to go her daughter was encouraging bad behaviour, was trying to avoid looking after her mother herself and we felt that the money spent on the plane ticket should maybe have come to us for boarding her mother.

In January I emailed and advised my ‘friend’ of some of our thoughts on things.  I wasn’t rude, I wasn’t kind.  The short end of it is, I advised that the current arrangement wasn’t working out as we felt that by letting her live for free and obligation free we weren’t providing any motivation for her to do better than live on other people’s sofas.  I advised that as of February 1we would like her to pay a reasonable amount of rent and storage and asked what her thoughts on this were.  I advised that we were not kicking her out and that we looked forward to having her come back, but we wanted to see a light at the end of the tunnel and we wanted her to have a plan.

She emailed back and made all sorts of excuses about the economy being bad, she was too emotional, blah blah blah.

Basically, we never really heard from her after that until she emailed and advised that she got a job.  She then said she would come and get her stuff and ‘settle up’ with us as she had made money working part-time in PEI.

So this past Friday her and her daughter show up to get her stuff. They get all the stuff nicely loaded into the daughter’s boyfriend’s truck and then the daughter looks at me and says I should be ashamed of myself for kicking her mother out.  I said I hadn’t kicked her out.  She then says I should be ashamed of myself for asking her to pay.  I said we looked after her for 5 months and she wasn’t here.  She then told me I was just mad that she went to PEI because then she wasn’t here to babysit my kids and clean my house.  Then she accused me of trying to prevent her mother from getting her stuff…as if I have any use for a bunch of purple butterfly decorated dollar store trinkets and purple salvation army store clothing that are clogging up my basement.  Not to mention the fact that she’s had a key to the house since she came in July so she could have come to get her stuff any time she wanted!

So here’s to you, dear daughter of may alleged ‘friend’:

1.                  When your mom emailed me about getting her stuff last week she didn't say she was coming for sure, she said she might if she was not working.  There was no firm commitment, nor did she make any firm commitment to being here on Thursday until she called on Wednesday.

Here's an exerpt from her email to me dated February 4, 2009:

"I'll also have to arrange to come out and get my things from your house and settle up with you for all your help. I thought Tammy was going to pay you when she picked up the mail but she got busy and forgot. As far as I know she is going to be out there next Thursday so if I'm not working I'll come with her."

2.      When she phoned on Wednesday to ask if she could come on Thursday I messaged her back immediately to say no one would be home.  I then emailed and told her she could come on Tuesday as that would be convenient for us.  I emailed because I was still upset with her and considering all I had done for her I didn't see myself spending my hard earned money making long distance phone calls.  I never tried to stop her from getting her stuff.  In fact, she had a key!  She could have come any time she wanted!  Nobody was stopping her.

3.      Absolutely your mom did babysit a few times, but in 5 months it was probably only 5 times.  She did clean, but again in 5 months it was probably only 5 times.  I didn't want to take advantage of her in that way and I can assure you I have the cheque copies from the babysitter to prove that I didn't.  I don't think that a little bit of babysitting or cleaning was out of line considering that she was living here.

4.      I know your mom was in an abusive relationship.  I was the one who spoke to your mom on the phone every week for the past few years.  I was the one who told her that if someone didn't hear from her every week I would be calling Scotland Yard.  I was the one who emailed your grandfather when I didn't hear from her to see if he had.  Where were you?

5.      I was the one who encouraged your mom to keep writing you and Andrew, to keep phoning you and Andrew when neither one of you would speak to her.

6.      I offered to pay her plane flight back if she didn't have money, not you.

7.      We looked after your mother for 5 months and didn't ask for any money until we felt that it wasn't doing her any good and until we felt we were being taken advantage of.  Here's an exerpt from my January 8, 2009 email to your mom:

"We feel that our intentions to help you have backfired, not only for us but for you as well as we haven’t provided any motivation for you. To this end, I think that you will need to let us know what amount of rent and storage you feel would be appropriate for you to start paying on February 1, 2009. Certainly, it’s not our intention to cause you any hardship, but it’s been 6 months since you’ve been back and there doesn’t yet seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I think that I will also need a plan from you, i.e. what you will be doing and when you will have it done by. In other words, when do you see yourself living independently of us?

While I have loved having you here, it’s not doing you any good and the reality is that you can’t stay with us forever, no matter how much fun that would be for me. You are no further along now than when you first came in July and I know that wasn’t your plan. You would have to agree that the current arrangement is just putting off the inevitable and making it more difficult by the moment to make the file you want for yourself."

8.    I was honest with your mother about how both my husband I felt and what we wanted.  She wasn't exactly forthcoming with us about a lot of things.  For example, that trouble back in April with her being ‘accused’ of having an affair…it was only recently that your mother admitted that in fact the affair had not been fabricated by anybody and she actually DID have an affair.  Therefore, she created her own problems.  Doesn’t it really make you wonder what other problems she just created for herself and actually how abusive the relationship was?  Doesn’t it make you wonder whether she actually instigated any of the abuse that occurred, if you can now believe that any actually existed?

9.    I did not kick your mother out.  Maybe you should ask to read the actual emails I sent her.  In fact, here's an exerpt from your mother’s February 17, 2009 email to me:

"I was also trying to save money which is why with the shifts at Stats Can I couldn't be all the way out in Burlington...it would have taken longer to travel than the hours I was being paid for the evening shift, which is the bulk of the work. It just made sense to stay in Toronto and only pay for a metro pass."

10.              Doesn't really sound to me like she was kicked out.  In fact, here's an exerpt from my January 9, 2009 email to her:

"Please don't think that we are kicking you out, because we're not.  We just feel that you have not given the job search thing a reasonable chance here and that by leaving for so long you are putting yourself behind in your job search.  I mean, if you think about it, you only really looked for a job here for about six weeks, which isn't a reasonable amount of time to expect to get the job you really want.  You didn't look in July, in August you were in PEI, you took your course in September and never got your resume out and about until about mid October.  You were gone to PEI again at the beginning of December.  We feel that your expectations in finding a job have been unrealistic."

11.    Apparently your mom was working part-time in PEI, hence, she was going to 'settle up' with us.  Why couldn't she get a part-time job here?  I encouraged her to get a part-time job at the Bay or whatever.  In fact, she interviewed for a part-time job at Upper Middle and Burloak and was concerned about the travel costs if she got it and I said not to worry about it, I'd be able to drive her because I only wanted her to get a job, any job, in order that she could start a life for herself.

13.    I never refused to acknowledge that it wasn't a good job market.  In fact, here's what I said in my January 9, 2009 email to your mom:

"As for permanent work, we realize that the job market is not that great right now, however, there are plenty of opportunities for part time work.  We realize that part time work doesn't pay the best and is not really what you want to do in the end, but from our point of view since you lack work experience here for about six years and have no income part time work would not be an unreasonable start in earning a living and getting yourself back into the job market." 

14.    It was me that drove your mom to Bible study every Wednesday, not you.

15.    It was us that drove your mom to church every Sunday and took her out for lunch after, not you.

16.    It was me that drove your mom to the job centre and the library, not you.

17.    It's me that has been receiving your mom's mail here before she even got here, when she was in Wales, when she was in PEI, when she was in Aurora, not you.

18.      It's us that have been storing your mom's stuff here since August, not you.

19.     It was me that hooked your mom up with a real estate agent to look at the house on Greenbank and to try and give her some assistance in getting that dealt with, not you. 

20.              It was me that drove your mother around to straighten out her driver’s license issues, not you.

21.              It was me that got your mom to a doctor when she needed to go, not you.  And in fact, after only meeting your mom once, the doctor later advised me that she should see a psychologist.

22.              In fact, I even tried to encourage your mom not to rely on you so much as I resented my mother for doing so to me.

23.       Before your mom left in December I asked her if she would have come back if we hadn't offered to let her stay with us and she said NO.  Where were you?

I don't think I have anything to be ashamed of at all, ‘daughter’.  I think you should be ashamed of yourself for coming into MY house, shouting at me and making it seem like we've done nothing and like we've committed some horrendous wrongdoing when all we have done is look out for your mom's best interest for several years now.  And again, I ask you, where were you?  What did you do for your mom?  And if we’ve committed such egregious wrongs why the h*ll did you not come and get both your mother and her stuff 5 months ago?!

Do you think it’s okay for grown adults to move from sofa to sofa, living rent free and responsibility free?  You didn’t think it was okay for your dad’s girlfriend to do it.  Isn’t that why you no longer live with your dad?

You may be a police officer, but having a grown up job does not mean you’re a grown up.  It only means that you’ve fooled someone into thinking that you’re a grown up.  You can be sure that your adolescent attitude, your ingratitude, your ignorance and your complete failure to recognize those around you that have helped you to get where you are will show you out eventually.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it will all come back to bite you in the *ss.

As for you my ‘friend’…let me tell you, it’s NOT okay to teach your kids that you can take what you want from people until you’re done or they get tired of you.  Furthermore, I cannot believe that you had the audacity to stand there and let your daughter belittle and berate me the way she did, after she had done nothing for you for the past 5 months except foot your credit card bills, bills which you should never have had considering you had been living off us for 5 months, bills which were incurred buying clothes for a job that you didn’t even look for or have.

For both of you, the next time you’re down and out and are crying for help, remember that the Hotel Kim and the Bank of Kim are both now unavailable to you.  Good luck finding someone else to scam over.